There is nothing like feeling unprepared. This morning as I got up I went through my mind at how unworthy I am as a man. I am not the most educated man. There are men out there with Ph.D.’s who speak many different languages, some languages that aren’t even spoken on this planet anymore. Men and women with much more eloquent voices, who are more attractive, more charismatic, and more holy than I have ever hoped to be. The devil has a way of making us so very aware of our flaws. I am so aware of those. So aware of them that I even had nightmares this week of being stuck in a confessional during communion, unable to find my way out. Just running in circles unable to get out from behind this wall of sin that I just never can seem to break. Yes, I am a sinner. A fallen man who needs Jesus and all of those wonderful Sacramental Graces that He has given us just to even have a hope to get to Heaven.
Today’s Gospel reading speaks of those virgins who came unprepared, they had their lamps but forgot the oil. They sat outside the gates trying to get the other virgins to give up their oil, but if they had they too would have been lost in the darkness. They had to wander off into the town to try and find the oil. I think that is telling right there isn’t it? Here they are outside the gate of Heaven and where do they go to try and find fuel? Where do they try to find the source of the light that can even hope to give them holiness? Into the world, they go. Instead of waiting at the gate with the others, instead of trusting that God would provide them everything they needed, they left. How often do we ourselves do that? Do we question if our lamps are full enough? Do we look to others to fill them for us? Or even look to worldly things to try and fulfill the desires of our hearts that only Jesus Christ can fulfill?
When I prepared to lector for Mass tonight the first reading really struck me as completely appropriate to today. What are we seeking? Those men who have discerned a calling to ordination and today have been officially recognized by the Church as candidates to be ordained in 2020? Wisdom is high on our list. Wisdom doesn’t hide in a corner, it isn’t something hard to find. It’s a gift that God sends out to find us. When we get up and head to the gate to seek her, she’s already there waiting. All we have to do is open ourselves to God and He will fill our lamps. Where are you getting your oil? Confession? The Eucharist? The sacramental grace of your Marriage? Are you accessing the oil poured out on you in confirmation? The grace He has given you at Baptism? Oh if only we realized how much oil is already in our lamp ready to burn. I feel like today Jesus said, “I came to cast fire upon the earth; and would that it were already kindled!” (Luke 12:49)
Today when I said I do, not only did I feel the weight of those words, not only did I realize the cross I was picking up, the yoke that I was taking onto my shoulders… there was a lightening of load. A relief. A peace. I went to confession afterwards, and then to Mass. At Mass I cried a little. Like most men I tried to hide it, maybe unsuccessfully. Why? I don’t know. I do know this. I want to be at that gate, with a lamp full of oil. I want to be ready for the feast. I don’t want to be outside with Jesus proclaiming “I do not know you.” My heart would break. It breaks a little even thinking of it. That dream I had, the one where I couldn’t get out of the room to find Him in the Eucharist, knowing He was just on the other side of the wall… that was one of the scariest most vivid dreams I have ever had. How about you? Do you want to journey with me? Let’s become Saints together. One step at a time. One drop of oil, one drop of pure water, one Sacrament at a time.
Please pray for these men, they are part of the gifts that God has given to me to help me. Their wives as well, for they have shown me what it is to be truly holy.
The Rockford Diocese Diaconate Class of 2020
Victor and Rosario Solis
Tim and Mallory Pignatari
Bob and Nikki Collins
Greg and Jeri Farrell
Bill Kearley
Mark and Vivian Ennis
Jamie and Sandy Schilling
Jose and Maria Aguilar
Dave and Eileen Womac
Neal and Maureen Carpenter
Stu and Kathy Dobson
Steve and DeAnne Besetzny
Mike and Karin Alber
Brian and Julie Mullins
