Today, in the first reading, we witness one of the pivotal moments in Salvation History. Here we have Abraham journeying to the top of a mountain the middle of the desert to sacrifice his only son to God. (Click the link to read more)

July 6, 2017

Thursday of the Thirteenth Week in Ordinary Time

Lectionary: 380

GN 22:1B-19

PS 115:1-2, 3-4, 5-6, 8-9

MT 9:1-8

Today, in the first reading, we witness one of the pivotal moments in Salvation History.  Here we have Abraham journeying to the top of a mountain the middle of the desert to sacrifice his only son to God.    This was a common thing among the various religions of the time and it was believed that somehow sacrifice, especially human sacrifice, could bridge the rift between God and man and soothe an angry deity.  Abraham trusted in God to provide even from the start of the journey.  Did he believe God would raise Isaac from the dead?  Or that God would provide the ram from the very beginning?  Either way he trusted God enough to follow through with His instructions, to the point of having to be stopped by an Angel.  God showed us in this simple moment that obedience and faith were more powerful than any offering they have to give on their own.

Then fast forward in the Gospel to the time of Jesus.  At this point in time, people have come to believe that the sicker you are, the greater your sins.  The paralytic, the outsider, the leper; all of these would be the darkest of sinners.  Their destination was as far from God as possible and they would be avoided at all cost.  Jesus does something greater than any miracle we have witnessed so far, He heals the man's souls and forgives his sins.  The Jewish teachers gathered around were unable to comprehend what was going on.   So Jesus gave them a sign that would make it completely clear to them.  He healed the physical ailment.  This was proof that the sins were no longer there, as they were no longer manifested in the man as sickness, but rather he was now whole physically and spiritually.

We often forget that miracle occurs every day in the Church.   So many outside the faith and even many of those inside have lost sight of what Confession is really about.   Just look at the response of the people gathered around Jesus as they marvel that “God who had given such authority to men.”  Then we see Jesus send forth His disciples after breathing the Holy Spirit on them and declaring they are to forgive sins.  That’s what our Church is still doing today.  The successors of the Apostles have passed that authority on by laying of hands in direct lines that are traceable back to Jesus Himself.  We are so tied up in finding physical miracles, and yes they are still out there, that we forget the most powerful ones that occur right here every day in the Sacraments.   Jesus forgives the sinner and restores him to the community and then offers himself to them in the form of bread and wine that they might be strengthened for the journey.   

Do we take time each day to realize what a gift we’ve been given?  Are you struck with Awe at the amazing Gift that is the Church?   Do you glorify God for the forgiveness of sins and the gift of eternal life?  

His servant and yours,

Brian Mullins

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my rock, and my redeemer. - Psalm 19:14  

Someone made a comment the other day about not needing to bring a sacrifice to the altar, and in a way that’s entirely true. Jesus Christ died on the cross for us. Everything we receive from that work of His and His alone is through grace and not any merit we have of our own. (Click the link to read more)

June 16, 2017
Friday of the Tenth Week in Ordinary Time
Lectionary: 363
2 COR 4:7-15
PS 116:10-11, 15-16, 17-18
MT 5:27-32

Someone made a comment the other day about not needing to bring a sacrifice to the altar, and in a way that’s entirely true.   Jesus Christ died on the cross for us.   Everything we receive from that work of His and His alone is through grace and not any merit we have of our own.   However, we do have to offer a sacrifice at the altar.   Ourselves.   We come to the altar unworthy with a sacrifice that is blemished by our own failures and sins.  That sacrifice is united with the only sacrifice worthy of God’s love, Jesus Christ himself.   That’s the sacrifice we must bring to the Mass… a complete giving of ourselves to God through His Son.

St. Paul reminds us today what that looks like.   It’s not simply getting ready at Mass, our work begins much earlier.   It begins the moment we walk out at the sending from the Last Mass we attended.  Our work begins by dying to ourselves every moment of every day that Christ might live in us.   That same God who died on the cross now resides in our mortal bodies as though in a Temple created just for Him.   All the power of the universe, the life force that animates all life, and sustains the universe itself has been received by us in the Eucharist and if we allow our own frailty, thoughts, and desires to die away can change us into the men and women that we were created to be.

Sometimes we think our thoughts and fancies are harmless.   Who do they hurt?   Especially for the married people, they hurt not just ourselves but they sap away the strength of our resolve.   They weaken our love for the other and embolden our own selfish desires.   They undermine our dedication to a single person and drain the very love and devotion we have toward our spouse, our neighbor, and our God.   That’s why Jesus reminds us that it’s not just our actions that we must work on, but our thoughts towards others.   Our cross is not always just an external situation that is difficult to walk through but is also the nails of our own wants desires, and appetites.   In offering those to God, in allowing the things we want that will hurt us to die in ourselves, we can journey with Christ toward Calvary in an even more powerful way… by accepting the cup that God has given us, regardless of what we want in our own lives.

His servant and yours,
Brian Mullins

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my rock, and my redeemer. - Psalm 19:14

Be Holy, As I am Holy

As we journey through Lent, one of the professors for our Diaconate class asked us: What does it mean to be holy?  I find this sort of reflection invaluable at this particular time as we struggle with temptation in our own deserts in preparation for our own Easter. 

Growing up as a Protestant gave me a different view on what it means to be Holy than I have now, though I believe it still influences me in that respect. My primary example of what I believed was a Holy Man would have to be, and still is in many ways, my grandfather. My grandfather was an old regular Baptist preacher and truly tried to live his life for Christ. He didn't allow many things in his home, from Biology books to “playing cards.” His way of life revolved around Sacred Scripture. He truly tried to set himself apart from the ways of the world.

I think that that in and of itself is a beautiful thing. The word itself, Holy, has roots that point to being set apart, being different. The Old Testament is filled with an example of how that God truly wanted his people to stand out, to be different than those around them. Holiness then rightfully boils down to one statement, though it is not limited to only it in anyway. I will take you as my own people, and you shall have me as your God. (Exodus 6:7) That is how I understand those 613 commandments presented in the Tanakh, as an example of how that the ancient Israelites understood they should behave in that relationship.

The Jubilee years, the Sabbath, the great Jubilee.. all intimate a way for us to do just that. Not only to reflect the extremely personal relationship that they were in with their deity, but also to allow them to do so in a way that reflected who He was. In sharing in His merciful outpouring of grace and forgiveness, they were able to be more like Him. That to me speaks volumes. That God, who did not need rest, allowed us to be able to not only take a rest when we frail humans needed one, but also be able to be more divine in our actions by doing so.

Then the Father took this even further by sending his Son to take on human flesh. By God becoming man he sanctified a way of life. Then speaking in His own words from the sermon on the mount he portrayed to us that propriety in a fullness that expresses what it means to be fully human. God has given us a path through the Beatitudes that exemplifies a paradigm that would change the world if embraced by all people. A paradigm that is best expressed by Jesus himself on the cross. Saint Thomas Aquinas in his eloquent method of speaking expounded on the four spheres of influence that tend to lead to sin. Power, Wealth, Pleasure, and Honor. He surmised that all sin is rooted in one or more of these temptations. Jesus gave us the Beatitudes as a perfect antidote to those spheres, then he lived them out on the cross. As a man on the cross he had no power, he was nailed in place. He had no wealth as they gambled for his clothing on the ground below. He had not pleasure but pain and discomfort. He had no honor but rather the death reserved for the most heinous of all criminals.

In today's society it seems that to be holy is seen as someone who simply attends church regularly, is a 'good' person, and doesn't judge others. To me, being holy has become something even more profound, that is to be more like Christ himself. We should be different, we should be a peculiar and a particular people. Not because we want to be, but because Christ calls us to a radical separation from the world in our manor and behavior. He calls us to Sainthood and a level of perfection that is only possible through releasing control of ourselves to the Holy Spirit. My Grandfather had a powerful idea of how to express that in his conduct and activity, but I disagree with some of his methods. That's truly the crux of the issue. To be holy means to be configured to Christ in our actions and our lives. That might look very different than how the ancient Israelites did it, and in fact it might look different based on our different vocations and stations of life, but it is a calling that every single Christian is called to. It does not mean that we will be perfect or immaculate, but will actualize perfection via a Sacramental life.

Breathe In Me, Father Breathe in Me

Tomorrow at Daily Mass we continue the story of the Prophet Samuel.  Today we talked about how that God had rejected Saul for not being obedient, for not listening.  So God sends Samuel to anoint a young Shepherd Boy.  David was the King that everyone looked up to in Jesus time.  Solomon was great, but David was greater.  Not because David was perfect.  Oh no, all of us know that David was a very flawed man.  From adultery to murder, he was a sinner just like the rest of us.  He though had a propensity for doing God's will. Because of this God had him anointed as King of the chosen people.  That's what we need to be doing isn't it?  Trying to do God's will.  Discerning what God wants in a given situation, and then going and doing that... regardless of the cost.

The thing about it is, like David, we are going to fail sometimes.  Our kids are watching.  Our families are watching.  Our friends are watching.   That's ok.  We should fail.  We aren't perfect.  The thing is, what are you doing when you fail?  David gives us the example of how this should be.  When he realized he had sinned against God he immediately confessed his sins and turned back to God.  That's what we need to be teaching, through our words and actions.   Not that we are perfect, not some kind of egotistical piety, but rather... a true piety... A sincere confession.  One like David proclaimed in Psalm 51 when he poured out his heart poetically:

Have mercy on me, God, in your kindness.
In your compassion blot out my offense.
O wash me more and more from my guilt
and cleanse me from my sin.

My offenses truly I know them;
my sin is always before me
Against you, you alone, have I sinned;
what is evil in your sight I have done.

That you may be justified when you give sentence
and be without reproach when you judge,
O see, in guilt I was born,
a sinner was I conceived.

Indeed you love truth in the heart;
then in the secret of my heart teach me wisdom.
O purify me, then I shall be clean;
O wash me, I shall be whiter than snow. 

David was God's anointed.  He was chosen, anointed, and given authority.  He was a prototype for someone to come.  You see, Messiah means anointed.  Jesus is the Messiah, God's anointed par excellence.  Jesus came doing God's will perfectly.  He gave us the example of how to live.  That's why we must begin to slowly become more like our Lord and Savior.  Our goal in this life is to be like Him, to grow more holy and to become Saints.   That's what Baptism is about.  In Baptism we are anointed Priest, Prophet, and King.   We too are anointed.. we are little Christ's.  In Confirmation we are strengthened, again by the Holy Spirit with the oil.  We are sent into the world as part of the body of Christ to bring about God's will.   We should strive to be more like Jesus, more like David, in that we work to make it a habit to do God's will.   We need to become predisposed to always follow God in everything we do.  We might fail.  Our response to the failure should be like David's.   We should come to God in Confession and then get back on that horse. 

How do we do this?  Frequent reception of the Sacraments is a good start.  The Eucharist is an amazing thing.  It's the only food that you can eat.. that consumes you.  You have to let it though.  Think for just a moment about what we believe.   We believe that Jesus Christ is coming into our bodies, all of Him.  The power that created the universe.   The power that holds it all together.   The creator, the almighty, God himself.. comes inside of us.  We can't consume him... unless he let's us... and likewise, we have free will.. he won't consume us, unless we ask him to. 

Jesus talks about the Sabbath to the Pharisees.  They are accusing him of breaking the Law.   His disciples are picking grain and eating it.  Jesus reminds them that there are obligations, sacrifices that must be made on the Sabbath.  The Book of Numbers (28:9) talks about work that must be done on the Sabbath.  That work does not violate the Sabbath, why?  Because it is serving God.   Jesus reminds us time and time again that serving others IS serving God.  That when work needs to be done to heal, to share, to love... then do it.  The Sabbath was made for our rest.  We weren't made for the Sabbath, it was made for us.  We rest when we have to.  We worship God... but we never stop caring or loving. 

As we continue through these few weeks of Ordinary time, we must begin to realize that Lent begins in just a few more weeks.  Lent is a time in which we give up something.  I think we should think carefully this year.  Lent is not a time for just giving up something, but rather a time to change.  It's a time to give up something that draws you closer to God.  Sure, give up chocolate... that's fine.. but what do you do with it?  Go further.  We are challenged by the church to do three things.  Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving.  Prayer is often easy enough.  Plenty of Stations of the Cross, Divine Office gatherings, Adoration hours etc during Lent.  Fasting most Catholics are pretty good at.  We choose something to give up.  Facebook, chocolate, coffee, smoking.  The Almsgiving though.. that one I think all Christians can work on.

So this year, as you think about what to give up.. ask yourself.. If I give up chocolate.. what can I do with the money I would have spent on that chocolate?   If I am giving up coffee?  How much do I spend on coffee... then go out and give that money to a worthy cause.  There are plenty of people out there who can use it.  The poor.  The refugee.  The veteran.  The widow.  The orphan.   That's what Lent is about.  You are to be a little Christ.. a deliverer, a messiah, one to lead people out of oppression.  You are to free the captive.  Part the waters.  Feed them.   Provide for them.  Guide them. 

Then when Lent is over it isn't supposed to stop!  Lent is supposed to be a time to draw you closer to Christ.. to allow God's spirit to so overwhelm you that when people look at you, they begin to glimpse Christ himself.  In your words.  In your actions.  In your love. 





Augustine wrote, “Verbum caro factum est, et habitavit in nobis; illi carni adjungitur ecclesia, et fit Christus totus, caput et corpus - “The Word was made flesh, and dwelled among us; to that flesh is joined the church, and there is made the whole Christ, head and body.” (On the Epistle of John 1.2)

 

Think about that for a moment.  Christ is the head.. but we are the body.  We receive Him in the Sacraments.   We become priest, prophet and king.   That means we are to show people how to worship, how to have a relationship with God.    We are to bring God's word to them.  In season, and out of season.  We are to speak about Jesus, speak about love, speak about the Word.  We are to aid in reformation, and admonish, but above all to love.   Then we are to protect, to guide and provide for.  A good king is not a tyrant, but rather a defender.  A man who steps up for the one who cannot speak for themselves.. those forgotten.. .those marginalized by society.  He doesn't just care about those subjects in his court.. but all of his country, all of his people. 

That is our challenge, to realize our anointing, realize our need to serve God at all times.. and to realize that it is in serving others... that we serve Him best. 

“At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by "I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.”
― Mother Teresa

I don't know about you, but I have work to do.  Let's not forget the refugee, the widow, the orphan, the unborn... Let us live our baptismal calling as more than just a Sunday devotion, but as a way of life... Let's allow Christ to come into our bodies and consume us, to change us, to make us more like Him.. that we too might partake of his divine nature and be transformed into an eternal being, a being made of pure love.

His servant and yours,

Brian

"He must increase, I must decrease."

How About Another Round?

In today's Gospel reading we have a very familiar event, one that every Christian should have heard of at one time or another.   John portrays it as the first event in Jesus public ministry.  The wedding of Cana.  It's interesting that the Bible too starts out with a wedding, then ends with a wedding.   From Adam to the banquet at the end of time, God shows us just how important his relationship is to us.  He shows it as a thing of joy, as a wedding, as an event that blesses the couple and all those around with joy and happiness.  

At this wedding though something sad happens.  The couple runs out of wine.  The party isn't over and they have run out of drink.  Oh how embarrassing!  In this culture it's a loss of face, a loss of honor!  Mary quickly runs to Jesus and informs him of the need.  Then in complete faith of her son she turns to those present and says, "Do whatever he tells you."   That's our first lesson.  The first disciple, the one who said a complete yes to God, always points to her Son.  We should listen to him, do what he tells us!  We too, then, as disciples of Christ should always point to Christ!   How powerful a lesson we receive from some of the few words recorded from our Blessed Mother in Sacred Scripture.

Then another thing happens, Jesus tells them to fill the jars with water. Jesus was more than capable of doing it himself.  He's about to change the very nature of the substance, how much more difficult would it have been to fill up the jars with it?  God can do anything he chooses.  That brings us to a truth about God though, a truth about our relationship to him.  The truth is that God can do everything, but he gives us the honor of being a part of it.  He allows us to be his hands and his feet.  He allows us to fill up our jars with things, with works.  He is going to make the wine, but he expects us to bring him the water.

That's one of the things about us as Catholics.  We know that no matter how much we work, no matter how many times we do prayers, they mean nothing without Christ's help.  We don't believe that we can ever provide the wine... but we work to provide the water.  Not because God hasn't already done the work of the Cross, but because he takes our offering and unites it with the work of His Son, to make an acceptable sacrifice.   He takes our lives... our water... and he transforms it into a beautiful, fragrant, vintage wine.    Oh how wonderful and glorious this truth is.   That no matter how imperfect my work, how imperfect my faith, imperfect my efforts... God will transform them into something worth seeing. 

That's love isn't it?  It's kind of like a child coming to their mother with a gift for their father and saying mom.. I have this little apple and I want to give it to dad.  The mother gets out the best plate, the fine gold china, and she puts the apple on it.   Then she places decorative paper around it and turns it into the gift fit for the King.  The father then sees this gift, perfected in it's beauty, and he is happy.  He would have been happy enough with the gift of the apple, right?  But both the child and the mother feel he deserves better. 

That's what this whole thing is about.   That's what Mass is about.  That's what the vestments, the gold vessels, the incense, the music... all of it is about dressing up our meager offerings.  Not because God doesn't cherish them just the way they are... but because God deserves better.  Then in the Eucharist we offer the one thing, the one gift that is worthy of God... that is the most precious gift he gave to us, the gift of His son.  We offer the Son back to the father, starting with bread and wine... something not worthy.. something plain.. the fruit of the vine and the work of human hands.  Then the Holy Spirit dresses them up, transforms them.. changes them into the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Oh happy day!   Oh divine mercy! 

That brings me to one more point.  It doesn't matter how hard you try.. the inside of this vessel of ours is going to be filled with an imperfect person if you only do it on your own.  You can 'fill the jars with water'  but if you don't bring Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit, into the picture.. it's just gonna be water.   If your jar is like mine.. that water isn't perfect.  It's not pure.  It's murky and muddy, and filled with the grime of this world.. but praise be to God that through the Sacraments, he can take even the yucky water that I offer and transform it into the finest of wines!  Are you ready?  Is there anything standing in your way?  Get to those Sacraments! Come to Him, the King of Kings, and offer yourself to Him.. and let Him transform you into the person that he created you to be... Free to worship him without fear, Holy and Righteous in His sight, all the days of your life!

His servant and yours,
Brian

"He must increase, I must decrease."

What is Christianity without death?

A Reflection on the Readings for
December 26, 2015 - The Feast of Saint Stephen

The Day after Christmas we go from celebrating life, to celebrating death.  Isn't that a strange dichotomy?  One morning we are celebrating the birth of Christ into the world.  The image of a newborn child swaddled and nestled in a manger of hay or the arms of Mary the Mother of God give people a warm, fuzzy feeling.  Who doesn't love to look on the face of a cooing child?  People who often do not want anything to do with religion or faith are quick to join in worship on Christmas and Christmas Eve because this is what we want out of our faith.  That's obvious by the church shopping that goes in our culture...  You don't like the message? Keep moving around till you find one you do.

That's not Christianity though.  The church reminds us in this one simple setting of dates that Christianity began with the birth of a child, but it ends with death and resurrection.  The life of a Christian is not supposed to be a bed of roses.  It's not supposed to be all cooing and love.  It's messy.  It's hard.  It requires sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears.  It requires a cross.  Christianity without the cross is neutered.  It has no message. It has no death.  It has no resurrection.

Stephen knew this.   He went out into the square and he faced the people.  As a Deacon of the church he served at the tables.   He ventured into the public square doing his duty, that is making sure that all of God's people had what they needed.  He was a servant.  Feeding, distributing, helping.   The people who disagreed with him sought him out.   They looked for him to debate.   They followed him around trying to argue.  Stephen responded with logic, reason, and rational responses.   This made them angry.  Have you seen that before?   Someone wants to argue a point, you give them an answer they cannot refute.. they get angry?  They change to another point instead of acknowledging they were wrong?  In this case he had a vision and when he expressed this manifestation to the crowds.. the mobbed him, dragging him out of the city and stoned him.

Stephen was the first Martyr for Christ after His resurrection.  It's interesting to note though that Stephen prayed for his persecutors.  And he knelt down and cried with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.”  In a perfect example of his love, in perfect imitation of His Lord and Savior from the Cross, Stephen prayed for their souls as they murdered him.  Stephen died with love.  No hate in his heart for those beating and stoning him.  No desire for revenge.  Simply loving them, even more than his own life. 

That's Christianity my friends.  Look at the fruits of his prayer?   Stephen in his love prayed for the men standing around.   We don't know what happened to all of them.  We do know that one young man, a certain Saul of Tarsus, eventually came to conversion and became one of the most influential Christians of the first century.  They threw rocks of stone, Stephen volleyed back boulders of love.  Saul consented to Stephen's death, Stephen consented to Saul's conversion and salvation.   Wow! Are you ready for that cross? 

That's what this Feast challenges us to do.   It challenges us to face the reality of Christianity.   It begins with taking up your own cross.   It starts with looking at your heart.   Are there any stony places left?  Are there any grudges you are still holding?  Any forgiveness that was supposed to be given that you are still gripping with white knuckled fists?  Today is the day to let Christ be born again into your heart, to stand up in the public square and let His Spirit give you the words you need to say.  Many times we don't know how to forgive... we don't know the right words to say.. we can't even describe it...  That's when we must turn it over to Him.  Let the Spirit speak them for you.. pray for the grace to forgive.. the grace to pray for them, no matter what the hurt...  Today.  Tomorrow may be too late. 

His servant and yours,
Brian

Misericordia

Tonight I attended a Spanish Mass at our Parish.  Both to work on my Spanish listening skills and to
attempt to build some friendships and familiarity with a part of the Parish that I often do not get to see.  I have several friends who come to daily Mass or who are involved in other ministries whose native tongue is Spanish and it was good to see them and spend time with them in worship.  I did feel a little out of place though.

Why?  Probably ego?  Pride? Unfamiliarity?   It was good for me though, that is for sure.  I kept hearing this one word though, one I recognized from my studies and from preparing before hand.  "Misericordia."  Mercy.  Kindness.  I heard it in the antiphon of the Psalm.  I heard it in the singing.  I heard it in the readings.  I heard it Father Dorado's homily. (Most of which I was lost in, but I did understand parts of it!)

At the end a friend of mine, Ignatio, grabbed my hand and welcomed me.  Made sure to encourage me and talked about his experience of going to daily Mass in English.  He talked about how he at first did not understand much, but now after a few years, really has begun to understand it well enough to feel comfortable.  Here was a man willing to put his ego to the side.  A man willing to go where he was uncomfortable, where he didn't know many, but persisted through those feelings in order to learn enough of a language to help those of us who did not know his own to be able to experience one another in the body of Christ.

There are those out there who will tell you, "You are not an American if you don't speak English."  "I refuse to learn another language!"  "Why the hell should I have to press 1 to get English? This is America!"  To that I say rubbish.  Today's gospel calls out to us to put ourselves to the side and to instead humble ourselves to be servants.  Servants don't make those they are serving learn their language, rather they humble themselves and put forth the effort to learn the language themselves. "You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt.  But it shall not be so among you. Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all." 

Think about this for just a moment.  The God of the universe is so far beyond us that it would be like comparing a human to a worm.  This God of ours humbled himself so much that he condescended into one of us, becoming one of us in every way, except sin.  He learnt our language.   He took on our ways.  He didn't expect us to suddenly learn to speak God's tongue.  How much more so should we be willing to approach our brothers as if they were Christ himself?  Learning a language is the least we can do.   Learning who they are, where they are from, their name;  those are other steps we should take.  Their customs, their cultures, their families.  They are part of us.  We are one body.  There aren't 500,000 bodies of Christ.. only one. 

So go out into the world.  Serve your brothers and sisters.  Learn to speak to them.  More importantly learn to listen and understand them.  Try to learn their names.  Their families.  Their interests.   Let them know how important they are to you.  How much you love them.   Don't expect anything in return.  Just offer yourself for them, as Christ offered himself to us.  Then we can cry out together, with our brothers and sisters, in all tongues: "Lord, let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you."

In Christ,

His servant and yours,

Brian

Where am I now?

During the process of my conversion, I was uninterested in the Catholic faith. Coming from the particular protestant background that I was raised in, the Catholic faith was not only foreign, but looked down upon if not looked at with outright contempt. My wife and I had married with the understanding that we were of different faiths, but after a while I began to seek to convert her to my own protestant stance. I was convinced that the Catholic faith was wrong and I set out to prove that to her.  As time went by I would approach her with more and more questions, I guess more accurately described as confrontations. “Why do you believe this?” “Why do you Catholics do that!?” To which she would always reply, “find out.”  She refused to argue with me, which of course infuriated me!

At this point I was really fooling myself, because my heart was not really into finding answers. I would do some reading of course online, mostly from protestant and Anti-Catholic websites to try and find answers.  Then a major event happened in our lives: the baptism of our biological daughter, Moira.  As the time drew closer, my wife informed me that we were baptizing our daughter Catholic. We really didn't discuss it further other than when, where, which priest would baptize her, etc.  As a protestant I didn't really care what religion she was baptized into, as long as she was baptized.

As the day finally arrived I stood with every person in the congregation of the church at St. Mary's in Sycamore Illinois.  The priest walked us through the process, renewing our baptismal promises and then asked us if we would raise our daughter according to the Catholic faith. I responded in the affirmative and as I did, it dawned on me that in order to teach her what the Catholics believed I would have to know myself!   I could no longer simply dance around the issue, I had to actually delve into this so that I could teach her as I had just given my word before God and man that I would do so.

I began to search earnestly for answers, not just reading the protestant side of things but going to Catholic sites, speaking to Catholic apologists online, and even spending a great deal of time talking to the priest at our home Parish in Genoa.  I had many questions and someone eventually suggested that I join the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults program at our parish.  I was ensured there would be no commitment required and I could go there and find answers to all of these questions that I had.  I signed up and began to attend, but I must admit that this first trip through RCIA was one filled with a bad attitude and hostility.   I wanted answers, but not for the right reason. I came to class to argue, or to find ways to prove to my wife and eventually my daughter that the Catholic faith was wrong.

The sweet lady who taught the class would look at me sometimes and simply say, “It's part of the mystery.” Then she'd move on to another topic or further into the topic we were discussing.  This made me so angry at the time. I had been taught my entire life that there is no mystery! Every answer you want or need was supposed to be right there in the Bible.  I eventually quit going to RCIA and simply studied on my own, convinced that the teacher simply didn't know enough about scripture to be able to answer me.  I was so convinced that I had already known God and his Word that I knew there was no mystery to him.

As time went on I found answers to many of my questions. An astonishing thing happened along the way, I began to find that every single time I found the answer I was looking for, I found a new question. Another astonishing thing happened as well, I began to find answers that weren't in scripture, but were in writings from the early church fathers, documents from the Church itself, even in just talking to other members of the Catholic faith. My beliefs about God were not really changing, but my understanding of God was growing in a way that began to show me that not only did my beliefs fit in with the Catholic faith, but that the faith was so deep that it really was a mystery, because God himself was beyond our understanding. The word that had so exasperated me in the beginning, became a word that I embraced and clung to as I again enrolled in the RCIA program.  This time not to argue or look for ways to convince others of how wrong the Catholic faith was, but to help me understand just how right it was.  Not just for them, not just for my daughter, but for me.

The amazing thing that I am finding is that despite all of this journey that I have been on for many years, from the days when I sat beside my grandfather in the pews of a Baptist church, to the day when I went forward and confessed my love for God at an altar call, through the days of my baptism, prayer services, and eventually my confirmation in the Catholic faith; I never noticed the pattern of repeating that was going on in my life. Even when I began to read this wonderful document about the six stages of development my mind wanted to compartmentalize it into single stages, as if we could graduate from one into another.

Throughout life we have been taught that each event is a stage to move to another, and that eventually we will get where we are going. Working a job leads to a promotion, after which you no longer have to do the things before.  My approach to this document was very similar in that in attempting to analyze where I am in those stages, I quickly began to quantify if I had moved through one stage to the next.  I checked off my list through imagination, quickly moving past literal, to group faith, into personal, and hoping that I might actually be able to write myself down as someone who had gotten to the mystical stage.

As we discussed this in our small groups, many of the others did the same with their analysis of themselves.  We each found ourselves hovering between stage 4, Personal Faith, and stage 5, Mystical faith. In fact, I felt a little ashamed as if I was failing because I could see that I didn't stay in the Mystical area.  I saw parts of my life where I felt I had achieved that for a time, where I had acted in those ways, even from time to time I could honestly say I had achieved the Sacrificial faith that I so desire to have at all times.  Yet, when I was honest with myself; I wasn't there all the time. I felt as if I was failing God and even was concerned about coming to class, that maybe I was the only one who wasn't able to stay in 'the zone'.

Then we began to discuss it at length and the light began to dawn on each of us, more especially when our teacher began to talk about the cyclical nature of faith, that we were walking along that normal path. My eyes began to open to a new understanding of the imaginative faith. Where as before I saw it as something that only children do, even having clever anecdotes prepared in my head of how my nephew talked about God's mom, aka Mrs. God,  or how that my daughter had once thought that God put on a costume so he could look like a ghost; to where I now see that we each have to reach the stage of imagination in order to move forward and learn. That once we grasp on to a concept, some part of the mystery, we must begin to delve it in our mind before we can begin to ask questions. We must imagine what God is like, because he is beyond us. That once we reach a point where we have begun to even glimpse the mystical aspect of the truth that is being revealed to us, another question appears.  We then begin to use our imagination again to try to fathom this new truth, and the cycle begins anew.

How relieving it was to find that simple eye opening truth, that all of this time that I had been seeking answers and only finding more questions, that I had been truly following the nature of revelation and faith. God was calling, and I was responding. I wasn't failing, but I was growing in faith. I still hope that some day, I can be in the stage of sacrificial faith at all times; until then I will be content in knowing that I can glimpse those moments without trepidation but simply realizing that when I do have a moment of pure sacrificial giving, a moment in which I am no longer concerned with my self at all but only with 'other', that in that moment, I will have opened another stage of the mystery.  That in opening another stage of the mystery I will have drawn that much closer to God.

Where are you? More importantly.. where am I?

So what stage or degree of faith should you or I have? Should we seek the "highest" stage? Should we all hope to reach the point of a totally sacrificial faith? No doubt, we all tend to see that as an ideal. But dare anyone tell you where you should be at a given stage of your faith journey? To insist that you reach complete maturity now is like grabbing a budding flower by the stem and trying to yank it upward into full bloom. Such an effort would be violent and destructive. And it ignores the truth that there is a season for everything.

I've been reading some of my home work tonight as we relax and get ready for bed for an upcoming class in Ministry Formation. The article, How God Invites us to Grow, talks about 6 different stages of faith. I'll attempt to paraphrase those below here.

Stage 1: Imaginative Faith

This is where faith starts, as a young child we often have fancy notions of God being the old grandfather up in the cloud. Flying around the world like Santa Clause. Showering down gifts from on high, bowling in the clouds to make thunder, etc.

Stage 2: Literal Faith

This is where many of us get to and get stuck, or even consider to be all there is to faith. It's where we take all the stories as literal history stories and we never get to the moral foundation of them.. the story of love behind them. It is where we stick to what we know, literal stories, and almost avoid any other truth that can come from them. We see the story of Adam and Eve not as a story that teaches us moral value, but of a God who punishes evil and good, who doles out good and evil, almost a karmic God.

Stage 3: Group faith

This is where we do what we do, not because of any reason other than that's how we've always done it. My grandfather used to grab our heads and push them down during prayer, because that's how we prayed. To this day, I still bow my head during prayer... because that's how we did it. Many of those who start in one faith and live it their entire life, often never find out why they do something.. they just continue to do it. I remember a story about an a family where the daughter always cut the end off the ham... she had no idea why, so one day at Christmas she called home and said Mom why do you cut the end off the ham? Expecting an answer that it kept it moister, or did something with juices, her mother said I dunno, mom always did. So they get together and go see the grandmother.. who opens the oven and says, cause I have a little oven and if I don't cut the end off it won't fit in there.

Stage 4: Personal faith

Responsibility. At this stage we look up what we do.. we find out why.. we live our faith not because someone else told us too but because we understand why we bow, why we kneel, why we genuflect.. not only understand, but agree and do it out of our own choice.. our own faith. Owning your faith. Not being Catholic because your family was and you just always have been.. but realizing what being Catholic is.. and living it because it's right.

Stage 5: Mystical faith

Lots of people give this one a bad name. Mystical faith just means you've gone into communion with God. You're beyond just realizing that God lives in you.. but KNOWING he does. It's having an intimate relationship where you not only realize that, but that he lives in others. You then being to see them as brothers and sisters, regardless of faith, regardless of if they agree with you. It's going above just self and God.. and being beyond yourself.. which of course leads to

Stage 6: Sacrificial faith.

We know this is the ideal.. the faith where we give ourselves away. Where we no longer are concerned with status, personal gain, or even our own safety.. all we are worried about is doing the will of God. He has become our all in all, and as such serving his family has become greater than ourselves. Giving up our selves to serve Him and by it everyone else. As the Article says “One's commitment to the values of truth, justice, and love become all consuming.”

I spent about an hour talking with my wife after reading this article. We were discussing.. where are we? I know where I want to be.. I want to be there at that Sacrificial level... but I don't know that I am. I'd like to say that I'm on some levels getting towards a mystical faith.... some of the lines really spoke to me. “For most people this awareness of God's inner presence begins with a longing or a compelling desire to be one's whole self or to live one's life as meaningfully as possible.” That resonates with me on so many levels. As does the statement: "Recognition of the sisterhood and brotherhood of all people also intensifies one's commitment to the well-being of all humankind.” Am I there? I am not sure. Is my ego wanting me to be more than I am? Possibly.

I do know I am beyond group faith. I no longer follow any faith, without understanding why. I do not tell my kids you will do this because that's what we do! We do this because of this reason, this is what it means, and here is where we can find that information. They also will choose for themselves, to be Catholic or not when the time comes. For now I will teach them as much as I can about our faith.. not just what we do, but why we do it, and where those traditions come from.

So here I am. Discerning. Woefully inadequate, praying that God will lead me on down this path and turn me into the man he wants me to be, and not the man that I am. Hoping to be on the highest level, feeling I'm really on the lowest rung. With that I will leave you with the words quoted in the article of Thomas Merton, “When I have found my truest self, I will have found God.”

Lord help me to find my truest self, to become the self that you created me to be, that I may be in full and perfect communion with you.. praying at all times, walking in Your will and not my own.

In Christ,

Brian